E.R. COOK

Life as a Part-Time Professional Writer

One of the things I’ve dealt with in life are people that discount your opinions or your knowledge. We’ve all been there. You’re having a conversation with a person about a particular topic, you offer your knowledge or thoughts, they get an odd look on their face, and come back with a form of dismissal somewhere along the lines of “Do you know who I am?” or “When you get to my age, you understand…”

I get it. There are people in this world who have forgotten more than I will ever know on many different topics. Yet I am so tired of people dismissing the life and experiences I’ve lived. As in, I’m over 40. I’ve experienced things, I’ve learned things. Why don’t those count?

I used to internalize these issues, as in “just be quiet, you can learn something, maybe they’re right and you don’t know anything.”

EHHHH, WRONG!

The fact is that there are people in this world who always have to be right, and who will always look down on other people. I won’t get into the psychology of it (narcissism, sociopathy, etc) because hey, I’m not a psychologist. We’ve also entered into a world with the invention of social media where EVERYONE is an expert, not to mention the creation of “Expert Culture” where people’s financial lives depend on being 100% correct on everything they say and they can never be wrong. Even though I would say 99% of the topics and issues of this life are not black and white, but highly complicated, graduated issues which sometimes have not one or two but many ways that they can be handled correctly, depending on the person and their situation. But “I am right and you are wrong and there is no other option” has infected our society down to the deepest depths.

I don’t always have to be right. I actually love not being right because that’s how I learn. But most people can’t handle having their world view challenged, and when their world view is challenged, usually react one of two ways: a very small amount will listen and be open, but most are going to go full-on child tantrum and tell you how horrible and wrong you are. Why? Because knocking you down to where they are means that they don’t have to ask themselves uncomfortable questions about themselves and their life.

It’s always hard when someone talks over you, saying you don’t know what you’re talking about, when you have direct experience. For instance, a few weeks ago I was talking with some fellow writers about a writing platform that I currently use. I was saying something about it when another writer interrupted me and was like “Oh no, no. That’s not how it is at all. It’s…” and all I could think was “Um, that’s the platform I’m CURRENTLY USING…”

Usually when this happens I just shrug and let it go. I know what I’m doing, I feel bad for the people who have bad information, but for the most part, it’s not a battle I need to fight. I know what I know. That’s the prize I got from realizing that I couldn’t internalize these battles. It’s not about me, it’s about the other person. They need to be right. They feel like they have more experience. They don’t see value in my voice. That’s fine.

I find more than enough confidence and value in my own voice now. I know the road I’ve walked, I know the path I’ve taken, I know what I know and what I don’t, and I don’t need to prove myself to everyone out there.

That’s the key to finding the confidence in your voice; realizing that someone talking over you or down to you is not your problem, it’s their’s. They are being rude and disrespectful. As long as you keep in mind that you don’t know everything, you can be super proud in the fact that you do know something. Do you have as many years as that person? Doesn’t matter, you’ve done it. Have you experienced everything to do with that topic? Doesn’t matter, you’ve experienced it. You’re allowed to speak up, you’re allowed to ask questions, you are allowed to be who you are. No one should make you feel like you are less just because it makes them feel better about themselves.

I’ve had people look down at me because I didn’t get an English degree (I have one in Technical Communications). I’ve had people look down at me because I’m a self-published writer (I have my own reasons for that). I’ve had people look down at me because I’m not this, that, or the other thing. People will always find ways to knock me down. The trick is that none of it has to do with me.

When I was in my 30’s I started riding motorcycles (specifically dirt bikes). A lot of people thought I was crazy for doing it, but then saw the joy it brought me and left it alone, except for this one coworker. She would constantly berate me and tell me how dangerous it was and how crazy I was and how could I do that. I internalized it at first because she was older than me. Was I crazy? Was I doing something wrong? Should I stop? But then I stopped and looked at her. She was an alcoholic in an unhappy marriage who basically just worked then went home and watched TV. Her being upset at me had nothing to do with me. I was out living my life. I challenged conventions by doing something at an ‘advanced age’ that was out of the norm, and I was having a blast. I reminded her that she wasn’t doing anything, that her life sucked. Instead of looking at her own life and figuring out how to change it, it was easier to knock me down and break me. If I wasn’t there constantly showing her how things could be different, she didn’t have to ask herself uncomfortable questions.

I’ve had people I called friends knock me down because I was doing better than them. They’d smile and pretend nothing was wrong, but behind the scenes actively work to destroy my life because they thought I thought I was better than them. But it was all something they had worked up in their head, because they were narcissists who had to be the best. They thought I was competition and couldn’t handle it. Even though I thought nothing of the sort. I just was being me.

When I first moved to Colorado, I had no idea one of the roommates (it was a house with a married couple and the husband’s best friend who lived in the furnished basement) was a narcissist who’s soul goal in life would be to make my life a living hell. When I first moved in he was super friendly. Unbeknownst to me, he had created this whole image in his head where we were going to be best friends and go on camping trips together and do all the things. Only, I was hurting. I was trying to heal from some pretty serious mental breakdowns and for the first time finding myself and who I was outside of other people’s influences. Plus I’m an ambivert; I can be social when I want to, but I also need a lot of alone time to recharge. I wasn’t in the mood for needy people; all my energy was spent trying to heal and weave together a new life. After a long day of work, I didn’t want to talk for hours about him and his day; I wanted to watch TV and veg and write. Pretty soon, he decided that I was a bitch and proceeded to bully me. Everything was my fault. Everything was my issue. He turned it around so I was the weird one for doing all these things by myself. This is actually more gaslighting (this is the tip of the iceberg of the stuff he pulled and the very edge of a complicated story), but it goes to show how people make it your fault when it’s all their issue. I wasn’t playing the role he wanted me to play in his little fantasy, I stood up to him when no one else would, I spoke out, so I was wrong and he was going to do whatever it took to bring me into line.

But I was starting to fight and learn to believe in myself and the confidence of my voice. I told the others they had a choice: confront him about the bullshit or I was leaving. They thought I was bluffing, they didn’t want to deal with it. I wasn’t bluffing. I left. I was done letting toxic people make me believe I was less than because they had to be right.

That’s an extreme case, but I hope it can show someone how a simple thing such as “Well, you don’t know…” can turn into an incredibly toxic situation. The root is the same: the person is saying “I don’t value you because you’re wrong and I’m right.”

As I stated earlier, I pick my battles. To these people, I will never make them see that they’re wrong, that I have value and I can be right. Most I just let go on their way. Toxic situations, like the roommate, I gave myself the permission and confidence to cut off the poison. I wasn’t going to make him change, but I could remove myself from the situation. He tried to fight it, because how dare I challenge him? But I made it happen. It wasn’t easy, but I made it through.

The one thing to remember is don’t confuse confidence with ego. I know what I know, but I also know there is a lot I don’t know. I’m constantly learning. New things are created or found, I try a new technique, or something evolves from what it once was. There is so much in this world, no one person can know them all. The second I start thinking “I’m better than everyone else because I know everything”, I start becoming the people that I hate. The truth is I love learning. I love saying I don’t know, because it means I get to go down a rabbit hole and figure out what it is. I get to talk to interesting people and hear all about their experiences and journeys and live it through their eyes and voice.

As writers, we are the voices of our characters. We are the narrators of our stories. We need to have the confidence to tell our story, our way. It’s one of the reason’s I’m a self-publisher. I wanted my books to be done my way, with my covers. I didn’t want to chase the latest trend or follow some formula. Is it harder? Do I have to work harder to reach less people? Yes. But I’m not in this to make money. I’m in it to tell stories. I’d rather spend more time telling it my way than cow-towing to some nameless exec in a tower who is just looking at numbers, not my heart. That is the confidence I try to bring everyday to my life. I know my life, I know my experiences. If other people can’t or won’t see that, it’s not my problem. It’s theirs.

One reason I think other people undermine us so much is that it preys on this idea instilled in us from childhood to ‘don’t sound stupid’. Don’t sound stupid or you’ll be bullied. Don’t sound stupid or no one will take you seriously. Don’t say this in the interview or they won’t hire you. Don’t say this on your date or they won’t like you. Over and over and over again, until it gets instilled in us to just not say anything at anytime. If anyone speaks up negatively against you, just be quiet and play dead and maybe they won’t realize what you said.

This from the same people that brought you “Be curious” and “speak your mind”, “think outside of the box”. But don’t be stupid, with stupid being some random ethereal definition that I’ve attached to it and is completely different person to person…

Trying to keep up with everyone’s definition of “don’t sound stupid” is exhausting. Trust me, I spent a couple decades trying to do it before I headed into a complete nervous breakdown. It was in that breakdown that I realized that trying to please people was a never-ending thankless life that gave me absolutely nothing. Trying to not sound stupid was a constantly moving end goal that meant absolutely nothing because if they were a bully, they wanted to bully me over everything. It didn’t matter if it was truly stupid or not, they decided it was stupid in the moment because they wanted to bully me. Bosses made fun of ideas not because they were ‘stupid’, but because they didn’t want me speaking up and making them look bad. “Don’t sound stupid” had nothing to do with me. I repeat for those in the back, SOUNDING STUPID HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! “Stupid” only exists because we have a bully culture. We have bullies in school, CEOs who bully employees, Politicians that bully the opposition, and the list goes on. They like propagating “Don’t sound stupid” because it takes away the confidence of people like you and me and allows them to continue bullying and tearing people down for their own amusement and power.

Repeat after me “There is no such thing as sounding stupid, just people who can’t handle different opinions and debate.”

Maybe it’s fate that today I drew the “Skunk” from my Spirit Animal deck. It was all about knowing yourself and being proud of that fact. Your journey is yours, and no one else’s, so make it what you want, regardless of what society thinks is normal or stupid. You know what you know. Embrace that. Do the things that sing to your soul. Be proud of yourself. Stand up for yourself. Have confidence in your voice.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was something I got accidentally from a podcast. They were talking about how some experts messed up their calculations for how bad the atomic bomb was going to be (Really?) but the lead podcaster said something along the lines of “Everyone is making shit up every day of their lives”. That really stuck with me. All the adults in your life growing up: your parents, your teachers, the politicians leading the country, the ‘experts’ – they’re all making it up as they go along, based on the information they have. So all the social norms and rules? Made up as society went along. All the cultural stuff and traditions? Made up as people went along. All of the rules like “don’t be stupid” – Made up as people went along.

If people are just making stuff up as they go along, why is it so bad when I do the same thing?

The answer? It’s not. Except for bullies who made it an issue because they wanted something to bully people about. So they created a concept called “stupid” and made us all afraid of being it.

When you walk down a path for the first time, you are going to find things you don’t know. An unexpected curve, a rock in the middle of the path, a root that wants to catch your toe. You might stumble. You might fall. You might say the wrong thing. But the next time you walk that path, you do better. It’s only bullies that have created this culture where you have to walk the path correctly every time or they’re going to make fun of you when you fall. Well, sorry. I am done with being perfect. You want to call me stupid? Fine. I just see it as “I stumbled and I’m learning.” I don’t give power to bullies anymore. Want to waste your energy making fun of me? Fine. I’ll go somewhere else.

Find confidence in your voice. Speak out. Ask questions. Stumble. Fall. Get up and do better. Help someone when they stumble and fall.